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>~Who Do I Think I Am~

>

To be honest sometimes I don’t even know. I do feel at times very confused. I focus on things that really are out of control. I also worry a heck of a lot. I find in this world I don’t have my place yet. I am not young by any means and still I am searching for something. I feel it is out of my grasp and when I think I might be close, I lose it again.

I do the wrong things at the wrong times. It’s very frustrating. I try to make everyone around me happy and yet inside I feel so miserable. I put on that happy face and just plug through life. I don’t want to do that anymore.

If I find something that makes me happy, I ruin it or put myself down easily to give up hope about it. I find that my time could be better spent on a lot of things and they aren’t. People ask me questions and I have the answer but I know it’s not what they want to hear so I say what they do want to hear. I am not rich, I am not pretty, I don’t do the right things at the right times. I don’t even care sometimes. I would like to be more then I am but lack the will to do those things. Or I put myself down so I don’t do them. I don’t put my foot in front of the other in fear I will fall.

I think I am doing the right thing and of course it’s not. I am impulsive and irresponsible sometimes. I get depressed more then most. Some of my family has the same problem. I think about going to the doctor and maybe finding out what is wrong with me. I know something is. I am afraid of what it is. I don’t know if I want to know what it is. I am very confused. I feel very alone. I miss what I can never see or hear again. I want things to be different but don’t know how to do it. I think this might be one of those days that things just aren’t good so I look down at myself and think and know things should be different.

Dear God how do I do that?

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10 Responses

  1. >I did feel like this one time and let me tell you my story!!:)Three years ago I was so stressed out, didn't want to go anywhere, worried all the time about every little thing… Anyway it was around Christmas and I finally went to the doctor. She did some blood work and called me that afternoon and told me I need to go to the hospital as soon as possible. My blood count was way to low and I would need some blood. So they start talking about how I will be in there for days and many test.. I was sitting there thinking what kind of cancer do I have…because of the things they were saying. So they came back and told me the blood work from the doctors office was WRONG and they thought when I got there I had leukemia. My cousin had lost his battle to this so this night in the hospital changed my life forever. All I kept thinking was I wish I was at my crazy house. They ended up putting me on a low dose med and it has made such a difference. I used to check my doors five times before I go to bed now it is just once. I used to take forever to go to bed and now I just fall asleep easy. Not so much worrying like I used to!!:) Sorry for this being so long..LOL

  2. >I appreciate your honesty. I do need to do something about this.

  3. >:) It is a very overwhelming feeling…sending you hugs!!:)

  4. >With everything you do, you are stretched way too thin. No doubt you are all things to all people, and they are so used to it they can't see how stressed out you are. Please find a way to take a vacation without the kids. No computers! It will refresh your spirit and energy. The kids will love the new you. If you can't go right now, at least plan for one. BTW you are an amazing and very pretty woman!

  5. >I nominated you for an award to pick it up go to the link belowhttp://40plussinglebbw.blogspot.com/2011/04/my-new-award.html

  6. >MARY, MARY you poor girl! STOP putting yourself down and pick up the pieces. Negativity brings Negativity into your life, change the way you think and start saying "I CAN" and "I WILL" positive things!I know what it's like to wake up in the morning and just start crying b/c you hate your life I was in that rut before I hit 30 twelve years ago. I decided I would NO longer allow negativity into my life and that I deserved a better life, the only way it could get better was for me to like myself. Remember you have to make you happy before you can do it for others!I'm a happily married woman for almost 11yrs and I have 2 beautiful, healthy, intelligent kids. God has blessed me in many was and I continue to thank Him daily.Have faith honey, and start looking on the brighter side! I'm hear for you if you need to talk….know that!XOXOJenOh yeah, I'm dropping by from the Alexa hop, try to have a great weekend with your kids!!

  7. >Thank you for sharing. Happiness doesn't come naturally to most of us. Our culture doesn't encourage people to be happy either. We are constantly given messages that we are not good enough. I have struggled with depression most of my life. I've been on meds for 15 years now (I'm 39 now) and I am doing well. I go through times where depression will reoccur and I need my meds tweaked. Depression and anxiety also run in my family. Not sure how much of it is genetic and how much is environment. In addition to meds, I also spent about a decade in and out of counseling. I know that sounds like a long time, but I had a lot of trauma in past–I was all sorts of messed up and it took me a long time to get the skills to keep myself sane. Not saying you need meds or counseling, but I can definitely say it helped me. I still have to make conscious decisions to nurture positivity. Negativity for me has been kind of a tape replaying in my head. Something will happen like me stepping in the cat's water bowl and I'll say to myself "I am so clumsy, why can't I watch where I'm going." I have to consciously refute it by saying something like "everyone is clumsy sometimes." Changing those automatic thoughts was something I worked very hard on when I was in therapy, but it is a practice I have had to continue. Please continue to reach out–talking about it can help. You are not alone by any means. Please try little things to take care of yourself. Things like taking a bath, a few minutes of relaxation (there are great guided relaxation mp3 on the web), reading a book, using great smelling lotion–anything to help care for yourself. Hugs, Krista

  8. >Dear Mary,First of all, I could tell you all day NOT to feel this way, and it won't work. My words are just that…words – what you are feeling, are emotions. But the fact of the matter is, if you were to read what you have written with a critical and unbiased eye, you would realize that you've basically written the innermost thoughts of almost ALL human beings. Some display their turbulence, others internalize it – but there is something dark and murky within us at all points in time.Forget everything else for a second, and tell yourself that you are human. That although there are people always expecting you to do things, get things right, have all the answers – that, really, you are simply human and there will be times when you won't have the answers, you won't come through on all expectations, and you won't get everything right. But one good thing overshadows a million bad things, Mary, and when you look at it like that, love…you're a better person than most. I know it took a LOT of courage and a lot of strength to bare your soul like that. And you don't need to be patronized or lectured – which is NOT my intent, at all. But I hope you realize that you're being too harsh on yourself. We do the BEST we can, in any and every given situation, and all we can do is pray that it was enough! 🙂 Take care of yourself, darling. You are SO precious! I am here for you, if you ever need to vent/talk/whatever.Sincerely,~Hira~GFC Follower: Enamored SoulEmail: Enamoredsoul(at)gmail(dot)com Twitter: @inluvwithbookz

  9. >Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the comments on this. I have a lot to think about and do for myself. Thank you.

  10. >It seems like your honesty has helped others be honest too, I hope that helps you. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I do agree with Jen that negativity brings negativity, so it isn't that I think you can control your worries or your depression but that you can try to focus on the positive things and know that you are doing good things and more positivity will come your way.

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