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>Cleaning Out My Closet


I wish I would have done more for my mother. I know she was mentally ill and was not able to express a lot of what she felt in the right manner. When she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer my world came crashing down. She was my best friend in every sense of the word. Maybe that makes me mentally ill also, I don’t know.

My closet that needs to be cleaned out is the feeling that when the doctor told me, we might or might not prolong her life with more chemotherapy (at this point she was on morphine) that I didn’t say yes. I said no. I wish I could go back and change that decision it is something that has haunted me everyday since. Maybe if we would have tried once more maybe she would have been with us longer. I don’t know the answer to that. I only know she didn’t want the pain anymore and if you ever watched someone slowly die you would know what I am talking about.

I wanted her to be at peace but I also wanter her with me. I wish I would have given it one more try. I still cry to this day thinking about it. I hope I did the right thing by her. I hope she knows how much I loved her. I wish I could have made it all go away.

~ My Mom R.I.P 2005~



6 Responses

  1. >Mary,Remember that we make decisions based on what we felt was best at the time. My mother did the Chemo, and it really didn't prolong her life much anyway, and to boot…she was even sicker those last days. Don't carry this burden, she wouldn't have wanted that for you or those 2 beautiful little girls.It's your big heart that keeps you questioning your decision but rest assured, she is now at peace.XOXO

  2. >Hi Mary, I found you on FTLOB. I can understand that you question your decision, but I can tell you that you definitely did a good one. I work with lung cancer patients, and in stage 4, from what I've seen, chemo only brings suffering and a poor quality of life during the last few weeks/months of their life, when they should have the possibility to do what they want and spend quality time with loved ones, instead of suffering from side effects. I'm always impressed by and have the deepest respect for anyone who has the guts to say NO in that situation.

  3. >You made an extremely tough decision and ultimately the best one from the responses above. I understand the guilt and sadness you feel as this post brought me to tears as 8 years ago now my Nan passed away from lung cancer (must have been small cell) as one week she was visiting my parents here in Canada and 3 weeks later she was gone. I was backpacking Australia at the time and had not been there long. I made the decision the really tough decision to stay and to this day I live with the guilt of that (although by the time I could have got there it would have been too late)following you from the Meet me Thursday Blog Hop. If you get the chance stop by my blogs.www.mywallabygold.blogspot.com andwww.mywallabygold.com/blogTake Care

  4. >Don't Feel guilty about the decision you made because it was the right decision. I know you miss your mom but to see her suffer would likely wear on your conscience more. My mother is alive but I lost her when my brother was killed in a car accident years ago when he was a teenager. It's tough not to have your mom. Hang in there and focus on the good memories,

  5. >Hi there! I'm just dropping in to let you know I chose you for the Stylish Blogger Award!! Visit my post for details here: You're a Stylish Blogger Award Winner! 🙂

  6. >Thank you all for your kindness.Mary

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